Fake Tape Embarrasses Drumpf

He meant something else when he didn’t say it

One day and dozens of Tweets that flipped between rage and triumph later, Drumpf announced to the world that the Fake News reached a new low. “They fake produced a tape about a fake sex tape and I have the proof right here.”

Drumpf insisted the photo proved his Orwellian assertion to veterans yesterday that Americans can’t trust anything we hear or see unless he clears it first. “They lie to you,” he had said to the Vets. “They lie for the big bucks from K Street lobbyists who want to derail America and derail me.”

In fact, K Street firms are known for their deep ties to GOP purse strings. “Those are the only lobbyists he knows,” admitted a source within the White House. “He’s never seen a Democratic lobbyist. They’re too poor to be let past the front desk.”

Jim Acosta of CNN — the network that broke the story — was the first to question the photo, which the White House displayed on a high def monitor. “There are at least seven different focus points, the mike is painted in, and we can see the ghost image where they tried to paint you out.”

“What are you? A forensical photographer?” 45 demanded.

“To be honest, sir, that photo’s so bad even we wouldn’t use it,” admitted FOX News’ Kristin Fisher.

“I’ll have you know our finest intelligence experts procured and verified that photo.”

The Daily Mail’s Francesca Chambers broke in with “the intelligence experts you don’t trust?”

Drumpf’s balloon deflated for an instant. Even his hair dropped from it’s hard shell hairspray bubble. Then he went on the offense. “They’re wrong about Russia, but they’re right about this. I have a nose for Intel, and I know my team sank the eight-ball on this one.”

“On the break maybe,” Acosta suggested.

“Glad to see you’re coming around,” 45 replied. “The fake tape got the facts all wrong. First of all, I didn’t have an affair with that woman. It was some guy named David Dennison. You can hear us talking about him on the tape. Only it wasn’t us, it was Bezos. That’s the David on the tape. The David who slept with the hooker who I couldn’t have been banging because I was too busy not banging Stormy Daniels. That was Dennison too. Not talking. Bezos was talking. But Michael vouched for him. You heard him on the tape, the entire conversation was ‘regarding our friend, David.’ David, not me. And I gave generously because Michael vouched for him, and at the time anyone Michael vouched for was good enough for me. That was before he joined the Witch Hunt. And I only promised to give Dennison money, I didn’t give him money. You heard that too. I asked “cash or check” but you didn’t hear me writing the check or handing over the briefcase of cash I took to the meeting. Did you? No, because we only talked about it. Fake talked about it, I mean. Since that wasn’t me. It was Jeff Bezos, and the picture proves it. And besides, pussy on the side isn’t a crime. All the great Presidents did it. Roosevelt, Kennedy, Johnson and even Clinton. So why are you on my case?”

The Huffington Post’s S.V. Date asked, “If the entire tape was a fraud, why do you care what they said on it?”

“How much did Bezos pay you to ask that question?” Drumpf demanded. “And you,” he said, pointing at Acosta. “And you and you and you, and even, apparently you.” He poked a finger at Fisher.

He gripped the podium and twisted what reporters believed he thought was a smile onto his face. “I care about what was on the tape because I want the record set straight about what I never said. There are some fake facts you don’t want getting around.”

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