Indoctrinate Me. Harder. I Like It.

HOW TO MAKE ANYBODY BELIEVE ANYTHING

True believers are created, not born

My indoctrination began at conception. The maternal egg that produced me could’ve done lots better than the squirrely little sperm cell that happened to get there first. It must’ve taken a shortcut. I’m just lucky the ovum doesn’t get to choose which one to favor from among its approximately 100,000,000 ejaculate suitors. Instead, it gets screwed twice.

At the moment of fertilization, I received my entire genetic indoctrination. I was fated to become a white male, with the presumed rights and privileges incumbent upon my kind, as well as the resulting angst and righteous indignation when the world fails to bow to those expectations.

My biological indoctrination also endowed me with the Sapp clan’s malignant menu of maladaptive traits. I got my mother’s allergies and overactive mucus glands. I got my father’s flatulence. Like every male in my lineage, I inherited a predilection for drinking too much. At least, unlike my sister, I didn’t go bald.

To my lifelong torment, my father also indoctrinated me with his futile love for the professional baseball and football teams of Cleveland, Ohio, where every season for nigh 70 years has ended with fans sobbing, “wait until next year.” I blame this for my erectile dysfunction.

“We want education, not indoctrination.” — Ron DeSantis

Two ideologies formed my early indoctrination — Roman Catholicism and white trash culture. It created a great deal of inner confusion and outer strife. It isn’t easy being both.

As a Catholic child, I sported a crisp white shirt and tie to school, while my Protestant buddies wore the same ragged jeans and greasy t-shirts every day. It didn’t matter that I didn’t wear underwear — I was still persecuted. On Ash Wednesday, my heathen friends scoffed that the brown smudge on my forehead proved that I had my head up my ass.

Despite petty doctrinal skirmishes, we were poor, working-class white trash above all else. We believed that the fatcat bosses of the world were generals in Satan’s army. Fortunately, God was on our side. He, too, was a working man. Creating the world in seven days was some heavy lifting.

In those days, we were also Democrats. My father summarized the Republican Party’s platform as, “We got ours, so fuck the rest of you.” Today, it has been abbreviated to simply, “fuck you.”

Years later, God got mad and switched parties. It happened sometime between Ronald Reagan’s “evil empire” speech and Bill Clinton’s Oval Office blowjob. According to erudite theologians like Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, to be a white trash Christian in good standing, you had to vote Republican.

I think Jesus remained a Democrat, though. “Love thy neighbor” sounds suspiciously woke to me. I imagine that in God’s household, like so many in America, the family keeps the peace by avoiding any discussion of politics.

“Our children are taught in school to hate their own country.” — Donald Trump

I confess that I briefly strayed. After high school, I had a choice between pumping gas for minimum wage or going to college and indulging in sex, drugs, and rock ’n’ roll. I thus enrolled at Ohio State as a liberal arts major, figuring that I’d get four good years before I had go back and pump gas for minimum wage.

Who could’ve known that every course I took was a leftist attempt to indoctrinate me? I just wanted to take easy courses.

My curricula forced me to look at Renaissance pornography like Michelangelo’s David, read godless and subversive tractates like “The Grapes of Wrath,” and learn unpleasant things about slavery that made me, as a white person, very uncomfortable. I sinned against God and America by dabbling in French existentialism.

I was also brainwashed by the liberal mainstream media. The so-called “journalists” on the evening news presented just one side to a story — i.e., the truth — without bothering to give equal time to alternate facts. The path to hell was paved by “60 Minutes.”

Furthermore, the sex, drugs and rock ’n roll contributed to my blissful naivete. That’s part of the liberals’ insidious plot. If you’re stoned, you’ll gobble down their propaganda like potato chips. The next thing you know, drag queens reading Dr. Seuss to preschoolers seems perfectly normal.

“Why is Walmart participating in the grooming and sexualization of children?”— Marjorie Taylor Greene

In my maturity, I’ve learned to disregard those so-called “critical thinking skills” inculcated into me during college and, instead, trust my gut about what to believe. Undoing a lifetime of left-wingers’ indoctrination begins with replacing their biased media with unimpeachably nonpartisan sources like Newsmax, Breitbart, InfoWars, and Duck Dynasty.

But constant vigilance is needed. I trusted Fox News until it betrayed the country by conceding that Joe Biden won the 2020 election, even though vigorous denial was still a viable option. Then Rupert Murdoch compounded the treachery by firing Tucker Carlson. Et tu, Brutus?

If I had to choose one source for all my information needs, it’d be QAnon. Where else can you learn the truth about the unionized cabal of vampire Democratic devil-worshipping teachers feeding pizzas topped with sausage made from abortion byproducts to public schoolchildren? You can’t make this stuff up.

So, indoctrination is a good thing, if it supports what you want to believe anyway. In that case, it’s not indoctrination — it’s validation. The only way to convince me otherwise is if God changes His mind again.

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