10 Things I Never Need To Do

As a man in his 50’s I’m pretty certain at this point in my life of what I never need to do.

We drove from our home in NY to Virginia Beach once, a trip that took roughly 10 hours and at least 5 years off my life. That was far enough to know that we will never drive as a family to Disney. My kids are older now and this still isn’t an option. Any amount of money is worth the solace of not being stuck in a car with bickering family members for days.

For a good number of years, I was a runner, participating in 5ks, 10ks, and a half marathon. I crossed the finish line of my first half marathon at a respectable 1 hour and 55 minutes. The first thought in my mind (after eating donuts and free treats) was “I can’t believe I would have to run this again, right now if this was a marathon”. Besides that, no one who’s running long distances looks to be enjoying themselves. They always appear to be in some form of pain and discomfort.

I can’t fathom willingly throwing myself out of a plane on purpose and free falling to the ground praying my parachute opens. The slow descent part with the open parachute looks awesome. I’ve parasailed so I imagine floating down being like that. You can keep the free fall part though, I’m out. The Tower of Terror in Disney is about all I can handle in the free fall department.

I’m not physically built for jail time. I appreciate three square meals a day just like the next guy but not under fear of being shanked while eating. Maybe Federal lockup if it’s like Goodfellas and Paulie’s making the sauce, but no maximum security for me thanks!

My wife and I have done the Thanksgiving Day Parade in NYC once and that mayhem was enough to know that NYE will never happen. Besides the obvious crowding and frigid cold, how do you not pee for over 12 hours? I’m 50, I can’t make it 3 hours at this point. I’ll watch the festivities in my warm home every year. Though it’s not the same without Dick Clark.

At what point in the picture below do you think this woman regretted her decision? This is right up there with skydiving. A giant rubber band wrapped around my ankles as I plunge toward the jagged rocks below? Aw hell no!

Getting trampled for a $100 TV is not worth it. I’m more of a Cyber Monday kind of guy. Safely perched behind my computer with coffee in hand. I don’t need to go to the mall on Thanksgiving night to fight with people over a crock pot or HDTV.

An event that involves fools running in front of a group of bulls that have been let loose in the town of Pomplona in Spain. For one thing, I don’t look good in white and red, plus there are animals with horns ready to gore me. Yeah no…

What’s on your list?

SD

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