10 KEYS To Finding The Right Man or Woman For You

It will not be an easy process, but it will be worth it.

In order to be in a healthy and happy, long-term relationship, you need to be healed from past traumas, addictions, and/or heartbreaks. If not, you are blocking your blessings and ability to find the one for you. Past wounds and traumas become a shadow of darkness that follow you into every relationship you enter, and will not disappear until it is addressed and resolved. Also, you are more likely to enter into toxic relationships because you are not able to give and receive love in healthy ways. Without internal peace, it becomes difficult to have positive external relationships. If you do not heal, it will significantly impact the quality of your relationships moving forward. You are more likely to entertain the wrong people, will not be able to recognize when the right person enters into your life, and if you do, there is a great chance that you will end up sabotaging the relationship. A book I recommend to begin the process of healing is “Love After Heartbreak” by Stephan Speaks.

You need to have a good understanding of the significant events in your history that will more than likely impact your ability to be in a healthy relationship. You cannot end generational cycles if you do not know your history. An effective way to begin is with your family history. Ask yourself key questions. Did I grow up in a healthy and happy family unit? Did I see healthy relationships growing up? How was my relationship with my mother and father? Did my parents have a healthy relationship with one another or was it filled with abuse, infidelity, addictions, and/or abandonment? What did I see and experience growing up that have impacted the way I see relationships and what I believe they should be? Why is this important? It is more likely that you will end up in an unhealthy relationship if you grew up in a toxic environment. It is more likely that you will end up in an abusive relationship if you experienced and witnessed abuse growing up. It is more likely that you will have commitment and abandonment issues, if that was the norm in your childhood. It’s about breaking cycles. Breaking cycles begins by knowing your history.

You should develop enough self-awareness to know your strengths and weaknesses, both as an individual and in your relationships. Only then will you be able to adequately address and analyze them. For example, if your strengths are kindness and empathy, and your weaknesses involve avoiding conflict and saying no to others, you are able to better recognize the person who helps to build and express your strength in a relationship, and avoid the people who play to your weaknesses for their own advantage. It also begins by improving on your limitations and weaknesses to put yourself in the best position to succeed in future relationships. For example, you need to be self-aware enough to know and acknowledge if you have selfish tendencies and lash out when you don’t get your way. Many people are not able to be honest with themselves enough to admit their faults and weaknesses, and it ends up creating greater issues in their relationships. You cannot hide your strengths and weaknesses, they will be revealed eventually, so it’s best to accept them and own them, and then take the necessary steps to improve.

You need to have a good understanding of what you want and need from a man or woman. Being clear in this area will help you to avoid the people that are not able to give you what you want and need, and find the person who will. In other words, it will save you time and energy, and decrease the chances of ending up in the wrong situation. You should begin by writing two lists. On one side of the page, you will write a list of your wants. On the other side, you will write your needs in a future partner. You are becoming clear and concise in the areas you will and will not compromise on. Disclaimer: You need to be careful when writing a list because it can create unintended consequences. For example, many people write a list that is completely unrealistic, and end up passing on the man or woman that may be the best fit for them. Also, they become so rigid that they have no flexibility or room to compromise. They will shoot for the moon, and then blame the stars for not catching them. For example, do you need a man who makes 6 figures or is it something that would be nice to have? Only you can answer that question for yourself. You need to be able to distinguish your wants from your needs.

You also need to be very aware of the qualities and values in a person that you simply cannot compromise on. You need to make sure you don’t compromise on your list of needs when finding a partner. Because if you do, you will increase your chances of having regret and being in an unhealthy relationship, engaging in self-sabotage tactics because you are unhappy. For example, if you need a guy to be taller than you, don’t entertain men that are shorter. But if it is something you can compromise on, add it to your wants list. This all begins and ends with self awareness, you need to know yourself.

Many people have a clear understanding of what they want and need in a partner. However, most people do not have a good understanding of the needs and wants of the person they want to end up with, or if they even qualify to be with them. It is easier for us as humans to be selfish than empathetic. You can begin to have more empathy by gaining an understanding of their love language: how they want to receive love. If the man you want needs a woman to be kind and empathetic, or if the woman you want needs a man to be financially stable and confident, you need to meet their standard. If you are not able or willing, exit stage left. It may sound harsh, but a relationship cannot succeed if the needs of your partner are not being met. To overgeneralize, women need financial stability, sexual compatibility, and emotional gratification. Men need cooperation, femininity, and beauty. Your partner will have specific wants and needs that you need to learn and understand.

With the creation of social media, we have become so unrealistic in the men and women we desire to be with. Many women dream of a man who makes 6 figures, is 6 feet tall, and has 6+ inches (minimum). Many men want women who are supermodels or Instagram models. Our unrealistic standards as a society will prevent many from having long-lasting, healthy relationships. We believe the grass is greener on the other side and there is always something or someone better out there for us, which leaves us permanently unsatisfied. We have developed an irrational fear of settling when the reality is many people do not qualify for the ideal man or women they desire. We must be realistic and accurate in evaluating our sexual market value in the open dating market. And understand that average people end up with average people. You are most likely not going to end up with a millionaire or an Instagram model. Drop the pride and ego, and humble yourself.

For better or worse, the dating world has become a competition. To end up with the best option, you need to become the best version of yourself, and improve in all aspects of your life – physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, spiritually, etc. Long-term, healthy relationships are created when two individual people, who are happy and healthy in their own right, come together and unify as one. If we are not at our best in these different areas of our life, it will cause setbacks and drawbacks in our relationships, and limit our chances of success. Relationships are difficult enough to not be at your best. You owe it to yourself and future partner.

To find the person for you, you need to put yourself out there to be found. You cannot be found, if the man or woman you want doesn’t know who you are, hasn’t met you yet, or even know if you exist. There are many people who want to eventually get married that are not dating or meeting people at all! If you are ready, you need to begin the process of exploring your dating options. This may include getting involved in social events in your area, creating an online dating profile, hiring a matchmaker, or employing the help of your friends/family. Begin to make dating and relationships a priority if your end goal is marriage.

You need to be intentional when you do put yourself out there in the open dating market. Why? Because there are endless amounts of people in the dating world with many different motivations, intentions, and desires that don’t necessarily align with yours. Intentionality begins with focus and honesty. Only date men or women you are attracted to and meet your qualifications. This is why it’s important to clearly identify your wants and needs in a partner. You need to be honest and upfront with your intentions when meeting potential romantic partners. If you want to be married in two years or less, let them know as soon as possible. Do not say you are going with the flow. Be direct with your intentions. Do not play games. Know what you want and go after it. You will not scare the man or woman away who is serious about you, and desires the same things that you want. You will only scare away the people who are not aligned with your goals and desires. To paraphrase Dave Ramsey, you will increase the chances of marriage success if you are aligned in these 4 areas: finances, kids (how to raise them and how many to have), spirituality/religion, and in-laws (because there is crazy in every family). Having important conversations in the early stages of any relationship will help you to avoid significant issues in the future.

We must be patient because each person meets their ‘soulmate’ at different times and stages in their life. Some people meet them at 15, others at 50. Do not rush into a relationship because you don’t want to be alone or feel you are running out of time. Relationships must be entered from a place of security and abundance. Don’t enter into a relationship if you are not ready. While being patient, you must also be proactive. In most cases, the man or woman for you is not going to enter into your life with no effort on your part. You are proactive when you begin the process of healing, gaining a better understanding of yourself and family history, knowing what you want and need in a partner, and what they want and need from you, becoming the best version of yourself, and putting yourself out there to be found.

It’s not easy an easy process, but it’s worth it. No one should or wants to die alone. It takes humility, vulnerability, and courage to find the man or woman for you. These 10 keys will help you to begin the process. Take a deep breath (maybe two), and get started!

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